


when it hurts the most

by paperduck



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/937465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperduck/pseuds/paperduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suddenly a well known sound broke through the silence and River bit onto her lip. The screeching breaks of the TARDIS made the lump in her throat grow until she felt it was choking her. Like a sleepwalker she got up from her bed and slipped a bathrobe on, when she looked up from loosely tying the knot there he was – the Doctor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when it hurts the most

Inspired by the quote from ‘The Angels take Manhattan’: “Never let him see the damage”.  
I couldn’t stop thinking about it and the longer I did the more emotional I got. So, here’s how I tried to deal with it. Guess it came out rather gloomy.  
And I granted River a moment of weakness, if you don’t want that… better turn around now.  
Besides, this is my first attempt in this fandom.

I don’t own anything, just using them for the fun. Critics/feedback are welcome.

 

When it hurts the most

 

Finally the door closed behind River and instantly her shoulders sagged. Her head that she had held high dropped forwards and a sob broke from her throat.  
She kicked off her shoes and left them lying in the corridor. Her dress fell to the floor and stayed here in a crumpled heap.  
River curled into a ball on her bed and cradled her wrist against her chest. It didn’t hurt anymore but she wished it would. Physical pain was so much easier to endure than the emotional. If only he hadn’t healed that damn wrist! She let go of her arm and clutched the spare pillow to her chest instead. While she let the tears run silently down her cheeks, pressing one arm firmly over her eyes, she absently caressed the pillow with her free hand.  
Sometimes, like now, she just longed to be held. But she could never let him see her like this. She had to be strong for him – for them – no matter how much it hurt, no matter that it broke her, shattered her into a thousand shards.  
Slowly the tears subsided and dried on her cheeks and River stretched out her legs, her shoulders relaxed gradually. She wished to just fall asleep but it didn’t happen. Her fingers slowly and calmingly played over the soft fabric of her pillow.

Suddenly a well known sound broke through the silence and River bit onto her lip. The screeching breaks of the TARDIS made the lump in her throat grow until she felt it was choking her. Like a sleepwalker she got up from her bed and slipped a bathrobe on, when she looked up from loosely tying the knot there he was – the Doctor.  
She tried to give him a smile and a teasing “Hello Sweetie” but her voice broke over the words.  
“Come with me, River, I want to introduce you to someone,” he said lightly.  
“I don’t think it’s a good time…” she hesitated.  
“Oh, but it’s the perfect time!” he clapped his hands and grinned.  
River could tell that it was faked – his mood, his grin, the lightness – he didn’t feel it. And it broke her heart some more. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and smiled at him.  
“I’m hardly decent.”  
“You can change on the way, come!” he grabbed her wrist and hauled her along.

 

River had changed her clothes, washed her face and tried to get her hair somewhat under control before she entered the control room again.  
“Where are we going?” she wrapped one arm around the Doctor’s waist and breathed against his neck.  
He wound himself out of her embrace and muttered something about ‘surprise’ while pretending to be busy with the console.  
River’s arms felt empty so she wrapped them around herself turning away from him.  
He was carefully avoiding to look at her.  
She sat down on the bench. She felt drained and it was getting harder not to break down on the spot. But that was the last thing she could allow to happen; like she had told Amy, he could never see the damage, ever.

“Here we are!” the Doctor announced cheerfully and pushed the TARDIS door open for her.

They stepped into the smoky air of a bar. It was rather dark. The Doctor grabbed River’s shoulders and steered her through the room stopping in front of a low table with a couch behind it.  
The man occupying the couch got up onto his feet instantly when he saw them and greeted them with a huge and infectious smile.  
For once the Doctor showed something like proper manners and introduced them.  
“Professor River Song, Captain Jack Harkness.”  
Jack smiled, stretched out his hand and River shook it. His grip was firm and his skin rather unexpected soft. She smiled back.  
“Excuse me, I have something important to get done!” the Doctor said hurriedly and almost fled, running back to his TARDIS and vanishing inside. And barely a moment later the ship began to vanish as well.  
Uneasily River, who had looked after the Doctor, turned back towards Jack who looked almost as puzzled as she felt.  
She decided he did not deserve the anger she felt rising in her chest so she swallowed her bitter remarks and gave him a bright faked smile.  
“So we meet at last, Captain Harkness, my pleasure.”  
Jack invited her to sit down with an elegant gesture of his hands. “Just call me Jack, and the pleasure is all mine,” he smiled charmingly.

After they had gotten comfortable on the couch Jack asked, “So, tell me about yourself, who are you to him?” He leaned back, one arm stretched out on top of the backrest and turned towards River.  
“I am a little confused why he calls me out of my bed to meet you and then just drops me off like that...”  
“I kind of have an idea,” Jack picked up his glass, signaled the waiter for a second one and took a sip all the while watching her. And River got the clue.  
“Of course…” she shook her head slightly.  
“So, I’m asking you again, tell me, who are you?”  
River looked up from her hands and gave him a lopsided grin, “I’m his wife.”  
Obviously startled Jack’s eyes grew wide for a moment. “Why would he set me up with his wife?”  
“That’s where I have an idea…” River shook her head once more. “Jack, do you want to dance?” she smiled at him. She was still rather furious and the Doctor was kind of lucky he was not present but she knew how his mind worked and maybe she could give his idea a try. She didn’t have anything to lose right now, some distraction could work. And Jack seemed nice enough.

Jack got up and offered River his hand.  
The music was rather slow and River felt herself pulled into Jack’s arms. It felt good, she felt protected. She closed her eyes and let her head rest against Jack’s shoulder. He smelled nice, too.  
“River? Don’t fall asleep,” Jack whispered close to her ear.  
Instantly she opened her eyes. “I’m not,” she said but it sounded rather sleepy. “A bit of fresh air would be good, I guess.”  
Jack smiled and nodded before he lead her outside.

River leaned against the wall and Jack watched her for a while as she inhaled the cold night air deeply.  
“Excuse me for saying this, but you look tired and exhausted, but I’d say not entirely from a lack of sleep,” he observed.  
River gave him a wry smile and confessed, “You’re right.”  
“Want to talk?”  
For a long moment River stared into the night. Realizing she had no clue where she was. “No, I’d rather not…” she felt herself slipping down along the wall but was unable to do anything about it.  
Jack reacted quickly, grabbing River’s upper arms and pulling her back up.  
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what he was thinking, burdening me on you… I should leave.”  
“It’s obvious, don’t you think… well, I am certain you know it… you must be the one to understand him best.”  
“Tell me then,” her voice held a challenging note.  
“He didn’t want you to be alone with… whatever it was that happened. So I don’t think you should leave,” he insisted.  
“What if I want to?”  
“Do you?”  
River bit onto her lip. “You don’t have to do this. You don’t…”  
Jack cupped River’s cheeks with both hands and looked into her eyes. “Don’t try to be strong. Let yourself fall just this once and trust me to catch you.”  
Jack brushed some blond curls behind River’s ears and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs.  
“You don’t even know me… why do you do this?” her voice was small.  
“Do you really not understand, or do you pretend not to? That was what he asked of me, the Doctor. To be there for you. Because he loves you.”  
For a moment River looked into Jack’s eyes. “And you love him, don’t you?” she asked.  
“I do. But I know my place is not at his side.”  
Wrapping her arms around Jack’s neck River pulled him closer, pressed herself against him.  
“He thinks this is what we need, doesn’t he? Maybe he is right…” and River kissed Jack, kissed him deeply and pulled away after a moment slightly out of breath. “But this isn’t what I want.”  
“I understand,” Jack said.  
“It’s not about you…”  
“River, it’s okay, you don’t have to explain,” he placed his palms on her cheeks once more. “But tell me if I can do something for you - anything.”  
River wrapped her arms around Jack’s waist, “Could you hold me?”  
Jack buried his face in her hair, “Of course.”

They stood like that for a while their breathing the only sound in the night.  
When Jack felt the woman in his arms shiver violently repeatedly he asked “May I take you home with me?”  
River nodded and Jack picked her up. Too exhausted by now to protest she let it happen.

Carefully Jack sat River down on his bed, helped her out of her shoes and guided her to lie down. She covered her face with one arm. He got up to leave the room.  
“Don’t go,” River reached for him blindly.  
He sat down next to her hip and took her hand.  
“Stay,” she whispered, “hold me.”  
Jack lay down and pulled her into his arms. River clung to his shirt and pressed her face against his shoulder.  
“Sorry,” she got out before tears began to flood her eyes and her body shook with suppressed sobs.  
Slowly he caressed her back, “Hush, don’t apologize, just let go.”  
For a while River just cried, unable to form words or even thoughts but when she gradually calmed down it began to spill, those things she never could tell anybody.  
“I just don’t think I can cope anymore. All these things, those secrets to keep. I don’t think I can be strong for him anymore.”  
“You don’t exactly have a choice, do you?” Jack asked softly.  
“No. And I don’t want a choice, but I… it’s getting too much.”  
River paused before she went on, her voice barely more than a whisper now. “I never know where we are when I meet him and how well he knows me and I am so scared that one day he’ll not know me at all.”  
Jack ran one hand through her hair.  
“And even if he refuses to tell me what’s going to happen I know it will. But that’s not everything…”  
For a moment there was complete silence.  
“Go on,” Jack encouraged her.  
“I killed him,” River could feel Jack inhale.  
Jack bit onto his tongue.  
“He knew it was going to happen. When the moment came I couldn’t and… but he refused to spare me having to pull the trigger. He had me watch it again later, inviting me to the place and…”  
Instinctively Jack’s arms tightened around her when she shuddered.  
“But he lives,” he said gently.  
She replied with a breathless “Yes.”  
For a few more moments River just gathered her thoughts.  
“There’s more…” she started uncertainly.  
“I’ll listen.”  
“He blames himself for… losing his… companions, his friends… my… my parents.” River wondered what Jack might be thinking, but he didn’t say a word so she continued. “It was not his fault but he holds himself responsible. And… I tried to be strong even though I felt as helpless as he did to prevent it but he wouldn’t talk to me, damn him he wouldn’t even look at me! And his silence hurts more than anything. Still I managed to stand tall in front of him and… he… he comes up with this little scheme and drops me off with you. I’m really sorry, but… thank you, Jack, for listening.”  
River rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling.  
Jack caressed her cheek. “I don’t mind listening to you. And I hope it helped you to get it off your chest… because I am awfully bad with comforting words.”  
River looked at him with a small smile.  
“And you already ruled out my usual way of comforting, so…”  
At that she laughed despite the tightness she still felt in her chest.  
“Actually I really do feel better. Though a little guilty. But I am glad not to be alone tonight. I just wish he wasn’t either.”  
“I wish I could reassure you that he isn’t but I’d hate to lie to you right now.”  
“I wouldn’t believe it anyway…” River smiles and brushed a strand of hair out of Jack’s face.

For a long while Jack looked down at River before she spoke again. The air felt lighter around them and she seemed less tense.  
“You are very mysterious, Professor Song, and I’d love to hear everything about you. But I know that’s not going to happen.”  
“Even I don’t know everything about me, Jack.”  
He laughed at that. “I can see why he loves you,” he mumbled.  
“And I know why he hates me.”  
“You must now think about it…”  
“Oh, but I don’t mind, really. It is part of why he loves me,” River smiled bravely though she sometimes could barely cope with his moods.  
Jack raised one eyebrow at her. He studied her for a while. He had only seen glimpses of her character and could only assume what she was like without that heavy wait upon he. “I’ve never met someone like you.”  
River gave him a smirk. “And is that a good or a bad thing?”  
“It’s a perfect thing,” she smiled, sensing how she relaxed more and more next to him.  
“Indeed?”  
Jack nodded.  
“So, Captain…” she stressed the title, “could you… just kiss me until I have fallen asleep?”  
“How could I deny you if you asked so sweetly?”  
And so he bent down over her and captured her lips in a kiss.


End file.
